It was the end of junior college, and classes seemed more and more like a never-again thing. It was in some class like this, idly staring at the teacher, my friend turns to me and says, ”Tell me a secret you’ve never told anyone and I’ll tell you mine”. I had never told anyone what I was about to whisper into her ear, let alone said it out loud to myself. So what did I whisper?
Before I get to that, let me rewind to my first year. It was the year of realising I was something called socially anxious, the year I started reading actual novels and not just the diary of a wimpy kid (I’m not ashamed I read nothing but that just FYI.) and the year I found the term “Asexual.” There was a one-line description of the term in one of the novels I was reading. I found it to be quite in line with what I had been experiencing or lacked experience all my life. However, I didn’t put much thought into it, buried it in the back of my mind and carried on in life.
I did not revisit this term until the second year of my degree. My class was learning about different sexualities, it was part of a diploma course that I had taken up outside of college. I then started extensively researching the term Asexual, and read research books and stories and experiences written by asexual people on the Asexuality and Visibility Education Network (AVEN).
I cried my eyes out for days after I came to accept that I was Asexual. Mostly they were tears of joy since I had previously always felt like there was something wrong with me for not seeing the appeal of having sex. Soon after, I came out to my two best friends from college and eventually started coming out to my close friends as well.
Two years later, I continue to understand asexuality and myself better as each day passes by.
Now I know I did promise to tell you what I whispered that one dull day into my best friend’s ear. But some things are best left a mystery right?
~Blue Bread